Literature - Second Author Draft - Roareye Black

Welcome to the Literature Tutorials. This tutorial will give you key notes in how to formulate a unique concept for a story.
Please Note that you should never edit Literature works that have been created by other Artists, nor their original characters, only use original characters and/or characters from within commercially released games (As long as you're not writing for profit). This tutorial has been created by Roareye Black and is copyright to him.

You've written your first draft, it's got the story, it's got the ideas and it's got the potential. But it's nowhere near a high standard yet. To show you improvement which are made through different drafts, I shall take the exact same scene from the first draft and edit it to make it more dramatic. You can do this by doing a complete rewrite with the original page printed out in front of you, or you can copy the original material into a new Word/Notepad file and make major alterations as you see fit.

=SCENE=
The aircraft hangar towered in front of him, the wind shearing off of it's grooved surface sending chills through the trio. Tetsuya had been complaining about the weather for some time, and was still complaining even now while Jacques did his best to silence him. It didn't matter, Nobu couldn't hear either of them. His whole body was tense and he could feel his skin begin a slight sweat. He'd finally come back to see her, after leaving her here to recieve no more glory, Nobu was back to see The Hornet. The car he'd been forced to abandon ten years earlier after winning the Daytona USA 2 1998 Championship. He didn't know what he was going to say, what she'd be like or even if she'd be in good condition, that was what made him feel most guilty.
He kept paused, blocking the doorway in front of him which opened up into the large automotive museum. Tetsuya got impatient and forced his way past Nobu hurriedly, mumbling to himself and marching his way into the shelter of the museum. Nobu didn't even notice, he was too busy sucking in the sight of the large aircraft housing filled with great machines of the past. Jacques motioned to pull Nobu in, then slowly decided against it, retreating into the building and making his way to the receptionist with his appointment sheet in hand.

"You coming or what?" Tetsuya poised, marching back and tugging Nobu through the entrance and shutting the door. He pushed Nobu's shoulder to get a reaction from him, making sure he was still awake.
"Sorry." Nobu apologised, shaking his head a little and trying to regain his focus, clicking his fingers and hoping it would bring his mind back to reality, but he couldn't help feeling elevated. He was surrounded by some of the most amazing machines ever built. He was surrounded by aircraft and to his left was sprawled with military machines. Nobu made his way to the desk, keeping his attention firmly on the machines dominating the area before finally noticing that Jacques was already in deep talks with the secretary. The secretary nodded to Nobu and turned to her phone, presumably calling the manager as arranged. Tetsuya noticed Nobu's attention wandering about the room and gave him a quick and light slap across the face.
"Hey, would you stop messing around? Focus on the job at hand." Tetsuya instructed, his annoyance made plain by his facial expression
"Look, I'm just nervous." Nobu objected, trying to calm Tetsuya down
"Just make sure you don't screw this up." Tetsuya drilled, turning away from Nobu and facing the desk to see how Jacques had gotten on.
"Thanks, I feel easier already." Nobu sighed sarcastically to himself. A few moments passed, and Jacques was still chatting to the secretary. She was giggling heartily at his jokes, as Tetsuya started glaring at Nobu. As Tetsuya continued, Nobu felt more and more uneasy.

"Mitsuyoshi-san?" A deep authorative voice came from behind the trio. The group turned around to see a tall middle aged gentleman in a black business suit, his hair being short and black, and receding at the front. He gave a curteous bow and the trio responded the same way, "My name is Mr Thursten, I run the Automotive Museum. My secretary told me you had a special request to make of me?"
"We did make an appointment." Jacques nodded, showing the confirmation paper of the appointment up, his eyes still dashing on the odd moment to the secretary.
"Ah, so you're The Hornet team?" The man's eyes shined with a renewed glee, his old eyes betraying his excitement while his face showed a calm professionalism, "Welcome, please right this way. I bet you're eager to see her."
"Don't be so sure of that." Tetsuya whispered in Jacques' ear, causing Jacques to laugh to himself.

Thursten led the group through a selection of old aircraft, including Spitfires and other small attack aircraft, before entering the area which housed several racing cars. Nobu recognised alot of them, the Toyota Celica GT-4 rally car and the Oriole he beat in the 1997 championships. His eyes kept washing over the vehicles in front of him, eager to catch a glance of the Hornet, but he couldn't find it anywhere.
"This is, of course, your reserve vehicle, back when Hornet Team were still competing." Thursten gleamed, showing his hand to The Gallop at the side of the Stock Car display. Jacques brushed his palm over the Gallop like seeing an old friend again. Tetsuya wasn't too interested in the vehicle display and Nobu was still searching for a sneak glance of his old love. Noticing an empty space, Nobu deduced that Thursten was expecting a new vehicle in sometime soon. Probably this year's Daytona winner. Thursten led the trio out of a side door and onto an empty runway where, situated in the middle of the tarmac, stood the Hornet. The paintwork gleaming like new, despite all the scrapes and bumps it took during it's last championship. It's headlights like saddened eyes over the lack of excitement it now recieved at the museum. Nobu's face muscles just squeezed themselves together to stop himself from getting tearful. It had been so long since the two of them had been together on the track, and he felt the pang of guilt sting his chest as he saw the car in a healthy, but lifeless state. His mind then wandered to the fact she was sitting outside, had Thursten decided to let them take her?
"You kept her in good shape?" Tetsuya questioned Thursten, his eyes inspecting the bodywork of the car to find any rust or imperfections.
"Of course I did, she's my pride and joy." Thursten gleamed with pride, "I take her outside to let the air go through her so she doesn't become unuseable."
"We appreciate that." Tetsuya nodded in approval, moving away from the car having found nothing to fault.
"Now, you said you had a special request. I assume you wanted to have a little play in her for old times sake?" Thursten offered, his tone almost in hope that Nobu would want a drive.
"We were hoping for a little more than that, Mr Thursten." Jacques told him
"Me and The Hornet go back a long way, as does the Pit Crew." Nobu explained, "We're looking to come back into the Daytona USA races, to win the Gold one last time."
"I see, and you wanted to practice in the Hornet." Thursten thought for a moment, his face analysing the risks one by one noticeably, "I'm afraid I wouldn't want the parts t get worn out."
"I've got hundreds of spare parts, filling the walls of my garage. Replacing the parts won't be a problem. She'll be better than new." Jacques assured him, banging his palm firmly against the hood of the car.
"Even more than that though, we were really hoping to enter The Hornet in as our vehicle during the Daytona 2008 Championship." Nobu told him. Thursten's face fell from uneasiness to a refined and professional calm. He almost immediately made up his mind and turned to the three of them.
"She's a marvel, a masterpiece! Enter her into the championship and you don't know what damage she'll come away with." Thursten sucked in his breath to continue his reply, "I might have said yes if I thought she even held a chance, but she doesn't. Have you been to the Daytona Stock Race the last few years? They have vehicles that will run rings around The Hornet, and that's only the amateurs. Against the professionals The Hornet will only get destroyed."
"Mr Thursten, the race is all about the driver. You put me in the Hornet and I guarantee you top billings in the Daytona this year. It'll even serve as free advertising for your museum." Nobu offered, trying desperately to win Thursten back to his side. Nobu turned to face the Hornet as if showing it how hard he was trying.
"You think a car of her calibre can compete and win?" Thursten poised, his eyebrow raised in intrigue.
"Yes I do." Nobu nodded, "Without a doubt." Thursten paused and turned away from the team, thinking over their offer. He let out a slow breath of air before turning back to the three of them, his mind completely made up.
"I can't give you the Hornet. She's too valuable and I don't believe you have much, if any, chance of success. However I owe you for making the Hornet everything that she is, and because of that I'm willing to compromise." Thursten informed them, pulling a set of keys out of his pocket, "I'll lend you The Gallop. She doesn't pull half as many punters and she's about the same age and ability as the Hornet. If you can do it in The Hornet, you can do it in The Gallop."
"I'm not used to the subtle differences of the Gallop." Nobu told him, feeling himself lose the battle for his old car, "Please, let us take her."
"I'm afraid that's my only offer. Take the Gallop, modify her as much as you like and advertise my museum. I think that's more than fair for someone who's asking for a lend of a vehicle without payment or any guarantee of success." Thursten pushed his point, he wasn't in the mood to argue about his decision.
"B..." Nobu whimpered before Tetsuya elbowed him in the rib sharply.
"That's a fine offer, we accept." Tetsuya agreed, walking up to Thursten, shaking his hand and taking the keys.
"Very well. Good day gentlemen, and good luck." Thursten then smiled, walked away from the group, re-entered the building and disappeared.
"Why'd you elbow me?" Nobu pushed Tetsuya coarsely
"You made me quit my goddamn job for this, we failed to get The Hornet, so what? We got The Gallop for nothing. I wasn't about to let you make us lose the Gallop too, because then we'd be totally screwed." Tetsuya argued, taking a quick glance at the keys in his hand and making his way into the building to take the Gallop out of storage.
"His job wasn't even that good." Jacques shrugged and gave a small laugh before realising it wasn't cheering Nobu up at all, "I understand how you feel, but we got a car. The Gallop runs on the same engine and parts as The Hornet, in several ways she's the same vehicle. Don't get too down about it dude, we've at least got a good chance." Jacques sighed that Nobu wasn't cheering up and retreated back into the building.

Nobu just stood there, staring at the old machine, it's headlights looking coldly back at him, lifeless. Nobu felt guilty for letting her wind up here, a relic with a thrill-less future. He took the moment to whisper his tearful goodbyes to the machine, brushing his fingertips against the bonnet, before turning away. He couldn't help but feel he'd betrayed the machine again, but this time there was nothing he could do.



STORY
The story in itself hasn't changed. Some of the character's have changed where they speak (Tetsuya says more of the lines in this version) and there are more actions however the story has been mostly unchanged in it's basic level. The main differences are in the description, which has alot more information and sets the environment alot better than before, and the emotion of the characters has been heightened. You really feel Tetsuya's angered by his losing his job for The Hornet Team's dream. Jacques is played out a little more true to character by being more flirty with the receptionist and more confident about his abilities as a mechanic and Nobu is more clingy about the Hornet car itself.

CHARACTER
While the speech has had little alteration (Due to it's role in the next tutorial) the characters have still been improved in this version. By changing their actions and way they say things in the descriptions after speech, I've already added to the fabric of the character. By making Tetsuya a bit more aggressive with his actions towards Nobu, you really get a stronger sense of his annoyance at the whole thing. With Jacques you notice him as less of a tag-along and more of a member of the group. With Nobu you get the sense of his awe at the situation he's in alot better. All these subtle details which may seem pointless, do all add up to people identifying your characters much more distinctly.

DESCRIPTION
The description here is far more advanced than that of the original draft. You now get the feeling that they're in a cold season by the fact that the wind is howling off of the side of the museum and causing the group chills. You get a more breathtaking view of the museum itself and the variety of items it stocks and the whole text seems somewhat more complete and interesting to read. Making the world the characters reside in more defined doesn't take away from people's imagination, it simply assists it. In the end the reader will thank you for that.